Evaluation...

There are two things happening:

Either no one understands who I really am or what I represent…or I have lost touch on how things roll these days… Doesn’t matter anymore; I guess…I’ll wind up on the short end of the stick either way. And I hate it as days go by.

Shit isn’t simple anymore; choose Door A or B… and reap the rewards or just deal with the consequences.

But now, it’s just a revolving door giving people the option to opt out of what choices they make. I remember when I was like that once…. I also remember being branded an asshole because of those convictions.

Years goes by… true friends came and gone. Some left good memories, while the closest ones left scars. I have transformed from a guy who didn’t really give a damn to someone who will lose everything for the sake of another. I found myself in the presence of extraordinary individuals and incredible places, and I also found myself in dire straits, battling for my dignity. Those were the times that created the person I am today.

However, as in nature, things erode.

I sacrificed a lot this past decade to find that when I look around….no one is with me...I find out that I was blazing through my life…by myself. Although I had people around me, no one is really with me.

And that is the one thing I hated and feared the most after all this time.

If the Army didn’t teach me anything, it taught me this: Face your fears…

...and I will do just that, again.

I’m tired of waiting on the sidelines for people to either come to their senses, open their eyes or simply acknowledge that I’m not just a spring board to bounce their ideas off of based on my reactions. As I look back… I find myself looking like a fool… most of the time, and ostracized all other times. In order for me to regain my confidence…and my self-control… is to become the asshole.

However, I may have one… maybe two more chances that can help me to pull a few more tricks out of my hat… there has to be a happy medium between the two personalities that are fighting within me. Maybe I can obtain what I have lost once again, but time is literally running out….

….not only that I am tired of pulling rabbits out of my hat…

I am running out of rabbits.

Maybe another deployment is what’s best for me.